Who's that guy with Bob?

Discussion in 'The Watering Hole' started by goldenlight, Mar 4, 2010.

  1. goldenlight

    goldenlight Mu-43 All-Pro

    Jan 30, 2010
    Real Name:
    Fred and Bob were chatting in a pub and Fred noticed that everyone who came in said hello to Bob.

    "You know a lot of people, Bob," he said.
    "I know everyone," said Bob.
    "You can't know everyone."
    "I do."
    "Bet you don't know the Queen."

    To cut a long story short they travelled to London so that Bob could prove he knew the Queen and sure enough, they were invited in to have tea with her.

    "O.K, I'm impressed," said Fred, "but I bet you don't know the Russian President."

    A trip to Russia followed and Fred was gobsmacked when Dimitry Medvedev warmly embraced his old friend, Bob.

    "But I bet you don't know the Pope," said Fred.

    Fred stood in St Peter's Square, amazed to see Bob up on the balcony next to the Pope, when an American said to him, "Hey, who's that guy up there with Bob?"
  2. Iconindustries

    Iconindustries Mu-43 Hall of Famer

    haha, John. Good one.

    Here's mine,,

    Sharp Cop
    While driving to work Bob had to swerve to avoid a box that falls out of the truck in front. Seconds later, a policeman pulls Bob over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer sees the carton on the road an stops traffic and gets the box. The two policemen find it is full of large upholstery tacks.
    “I'm sorry sir, says the first copper to Bob, “but i am still going to have to write you a ticket”.

    “For what!” Bob says.

    “Tacks evasion.”
  3. Bullfrog

    Bullfrog Mu-43 Top Veteran

    Two guys were going down the street and one of them walked into a bar.

    The other one ducked.
  4. Bullfrog

    Bullfrog Mu-43 Top Veteran

    Q: Why are elephants big, wrinkled, grey, and hairy?

    A: Because if they were small, smooth, white, and hairless, they'd be aspirins.
  5. BillN

    BillN Mu-43 All-Pro

    Jan 19, 2010
    SW France
    One for iconindustries - My world is upside down

    ¡¡ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ uɐılɐɹʇsnɐ uɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐl ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
  6. Iconindustries

    Iconindustries Mu-43 Hall of Famer

    For crying out loud Bill, how did you do that? You really need to come to Australia, we're not as bad as you think. Haha
    When you come make sure you bring a left handed screw driver and a radiator cap for my VW.
  7. BillN

    BillN Mu-43 All-Pro

    Jan 19, 2010
    SW France
    Another Aussie one for you icon

    Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )

    Dear Mum & Dad,

    I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

    At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

    This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of ****!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

    Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
    Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

    I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

    Your loving daughter,

  8. Bullfrog

    Bullfrog Mu-43 Top Veteran

    LOL! Nice one Bill.
  9. Robert Spoecker

    Robert Spoecker Mu-43 Regular

    Jan 23, 2010
    For our friends down under


  10. BillN

    BillN Mu-43 All-Pro

    Jan 19, 2010
    SW France
    You guys are clever

    - I just stood on my head and typed it, then used my EP1 to photograph it, then reversed it and reversed it, and god knows what

    but, I think, the sneaky way is to use character sets
  11. goldenlight

    goldenlight Mu-43 All-Pro

    Jan 30, 2010
    Real Name:
    Some great jokes here; I particularly like Bill's letter from Sheila! :rofl: Keep 'em coming. :thumbup:
  12. BillN

    BillN Mu-43 All-Pro

    Jan 19, 2010
    SW France
    ATM - Man v Woman

    I have a few, but I could get "killed" because of this one

    ATM machine – Male or Female

    A sign in the Bank lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through automatic transaction machines (ATM) enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
    After months of careful research, Male and Female procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.

    Drive up to the ATM.
    Put down your car window.
    Insert card into ATM and enter PIN.
    Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
    Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
    Put window up.
    Drive off.

    Drive up to cash machine.
    Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with ATM.
    Set parking brake, put the window down. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
    Tell person on mobile 'phone you will call them back and hang up. Attempt to insert card into ATM.
    Open car door to allow easier access to ATM due to its excessive distance from car. Insert card.
    Re-insert card the right way.
    Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on inside back page. Enter PIN.
    Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
    Enter amount of cash required.
    Take a quick peek at yourself in rear view mirror.
    Retrieve cash and receipt.
    Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
    Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook. Re-check makeup.
    Drive forward two feet. Reverse back to ATM.
    Retrieve card. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card in the slot provided.
    Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
    Restart stalled engine and drive off.
    Redial person on mobile phone.
    Drive for two miles. Release parking brake.
  13. goldenlight

    goldenlight Mu-43 All-Pro

    Jan 30, 2010
    Real Name:
    You could be in BIG trouble, Bill - the truth hurts! :wink: :biggrin:

    P.S. You forgot to mention the ten minute chat with friend using ATM in the other lane! :eek:
  14. BillN

    BillN Mu-43 All-Pro

    Jan 19, 2010
    SW France
    Here is another - short but sweet

    With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

    Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote 'The Hokey Cokey' died peacefully at the age of 93.

    The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, and then the trouble started....
  15. Bullfrog

    Bullfrog Mu-43 Top Veteran

    A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like there's a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking.

    Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here.

    The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular."

    The bartender says "Prove it."

    The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible!" says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it.

    By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room.

    The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room to check on the guy.

    The guy is spread-eagled up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt.

    "Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?"

    The guy turns and says: "No, no, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."
  16. pete

    pete Mu-43 Regular

    Feb 26, 2010
    Phoenix, Az
    hahahhahahahahha....laughed all the way to the bank....made my day Mr. Bill


    and everyone else...jokes were great
  17. BillN

    BillN Mu-43 All-Pro

    Jan 19, 2010
    SW France
    In the UK we have a tradition of telling "Irish" jokes - usually about our friends in the South of Ireland, (Eire).......Paddy and Murphy are endearing terms for guys in the South of Ireland

    Here's one for you

    Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.

    Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them: 'It is illegal to put 5
    people in a Quattro, Quattro means four'

    Quattro is just the name of the automobile,' the Englishman retorts
    disbelievingly. 'Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five

    'You cannot pull that one on me,' replies Paddy 'Quattro means four. You
    have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.'

    The Englishmen replies angrily, 'You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want
    to speak to someone with more intelligence!'

    'Sorry,' responds Paddy, 'Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.'
  18. Bullfrog

    Bullfrog Mu-43 Top Veteran


    As an Irishman however I am duty-bound to respond.

    Q: Why are Irish jokes so stupid?

    A: So that the English can understand them.

  19. BillN

    BillN Mu-43 All-Pro

    Jan 19, 2010
    SW France
    Paul, thanks for not mentioning the Rugby!
  20. pete

    pete Mu-43 Regular

    Feb 26, 2010
    Phoenix, Az
    you guys are too much!