Hello, it took a lot to muster the will to write the fallowing because I'm not the kind of person who feels comfortable "spilling out guts" in public (though the community here has always felt more of a close friends family type) so here it goes:
I have been struggling with the photography dream for a few years now and it was hit hard the most last month. I even gave up on it for a whole month because I was so stressed and depressed of pushing myself so much.
I started getting into photography more then 10 years ago after discovering the joys of making pictures with a pretty crappy phone back in 2008 and when I quickly reached the limit of what I can do got my first DSLR in 2009 after which I got struck with some difficulties where I had to sell it and after a year of pause I got my first Micro Four Thirds camera in 2010.
Most of my inspiration came from National Geographic magazines and books and I fell in love with landscape and macro. I wanted to do wildlife but I couldn't afford it for the better part of 8 years.... But I always dreamed of becoming a National Geographic photographer. Or at least a professional photographer too some degree.
I could never invest enough into photography because life and family problems kept getting in the way so best I could do is learn learn learn and practice practice practice until I could. So when I could afford it when I reached close to the limit of what I can learn on my gear I would try to get something better to make room for more experimentation and learning.
And finally I started to have the possibility of investing in photography: my first telephoto lens, my first actually good wildlife lens, a faster camera to keep up with the wildlife movements. And when the pandemic hit I knew its going to get bad, that the world was going to close down back in March so I took a gamble, since I work in care I will have to work through this period and since there's travel restrictions might as well focus on earning money.
So I did, I worked for 7 months between 200 and 250 hours each month and got the E-M1 III and the Oly 7-14/2.8, 12-40/2.8, the workhorse of most landscape photographers. But I worked my mental and physical health off a cliff and I ended UK crashing and burning, with 3 months needing to recover and changed my job (from care for dementia to care for adults with learning difficulties).
But I quickly realised that sacrifice was needed once again: low wage pay means working a lot more to earn, meaning less time to make pictures and my health declining again. I had to face a few facts by now:
*I don't have high education, I will be working close to minimum wage most of my employed time,
*The interests I have in photography do not come cheap, wildlife for example (compare to other ones like portraiture or macro),
*As much as I try to put the hard work and time to earning more its shaving off my health (constant lega and back pain, heartburns from stress)
*No doing some photography has serious mental issues on me (severe depression, lack of motivation, make me antisocial).
Taking the time off where I left the camera at home, did not make any pictures, did not think of gear at all has force me to see how much stress it gave me but also how much empty my life was. I've always been a creative person, I love to make, to do, to try, to express and it's something that if I even try to shut off it becomes painful to live without. But its so difficult to focus on it when there's bills to deal with, high rent, necessities that revolve around photography but also daily life, debt and family problems, low wage and health problems limits my income possibilities.
There are things I can do on the side, which is I would love to sell prints, calendars and zines. I got a printer for that last year and I'm learning how to make prints and I've been trying to work on 2 zine projects but my health, especially mental health,
The plan (wish) was a slow ramp-up from being employed to self-employed over the years. I've been living in the UK for 4 years and a half and currently the minimum work time to qualify for state pension is 10 years. Once I have 10 years paid tax and pension into the system I have the net that I can retire in UK (at some point) and it gives me time to get citizenship, a driver's licence and the skill to drive a car and to get the tools (mostly lenses) to start a photography business.
Another skill I want to get is tattooing as a 2nd aditionalk income as well as keeping my drawing and creative interests alive.
It's so hard to find a balance of work time, photography time, learning and rest, it's a constant struggle to stay above the water. And the Covid19 situation has made everything so much more difficult and complicated where I end up postponing things month after month.
I have been struggling with the photography dream for a few years now and it was hit hard the most last month. I even gave up on it for a whole month because I was so stressed and depressed of pushing myself so much.
I started getting into photography more then 10 years ago after discovering the joys of making pictures with a pretty crappy phone back in 2008 and when I quickly reached the limit of what I can do got my first DSLR in 2009 after which I got struck with some difficulties where I had to sell it and after a year of pause I got my first Micro Four Thirds camera in 2010.
Most of my inspiration came from National Geographic magazines and books and I fell in love with landscape and macro. I wanted to do wildlife but I couldn't afford it for the better part of 8 years.... But I always dreamed of becoming a National Geographic photographer. Or at least a professional photographer too some degree.
I could never invest enough into photography because life and family problems kept getting in the way so best I could do is learn learn learn and practice practice practice until I could. So when I could afford it when I reached close to the limit of what I can learn on my gear I would try to get something better to make room for more experimentation and learning.
And finally I started to have the possibility of investing in photography: my first telephoto lens, my first actually good wildlife lens, a faster camera to keep up with the wildlife movements. And when the pandemic hit I knew its going to get bad, that the world was going to close down back in March so I took a gamble, since I work in care I will have to work through this period and since there's travel restrictions might as well focus on earning money.
So I did, I worked for 7 months between 200 and 250 hours each month and got the E-M1 III and the Oly 7-14/2.8, 12-40/2.8, the workhorse of most landscape photographers. But I worked my mental and physical health off a cliff and I ended UK crashing and burning, with 3 months needing to recover and changed my job (from care for dementia to care for adults with learning difficulties).
But I quickly realised that sacrifice was needed once again: low wage pay means working a lot more to earn, meaning less time to make pictures and my health declining again. I had to face a few facts by now:
*I don't have high education, I will be working close to minimum wage most of my employed time,
*The interests I have in photography do not come cheap, wildlife for example (compare to other ones like portraiture or macro),
*As much as I try to put the hard work and time to earning more its shaving off my health (constant lega and back pain, heartburns from stress)
*No doing some photography has serious mental issues on me (severe depression, lack of motivation, make me antisocial).
Taking the time off where I left the camera at home, did not make any pictures, did not think of gear at all has force me to see how much stress it gave me but also how much empty my life was. I've always been a creative person, I love to make, to do, to try, to express and it's something that if I even try to shut off it becomes painful to live without. But its so difficult to focus on it when there's bills to deal with, high rent, necessities that revolve around photography but also daily life, debt and family problems, low wage and health problems limits my income possibilities.
There are things I can do on the side, which is I would love to sell prints, calendars and zines. I got a printer for that last year and I'm learning how to make prints and I've been trying to work on 2 zine projects but my health, especially mental health,
The plan (wish) was a slow ramp-up from being employed to self-employed over the years. I've been living in the UK for 4 years and a half and currently the minimum work time to qualify for state pension is 10 years. Once I have 10 years paid tax and pension into the system I have the net that I can retire in UK (at some point) and it gives me time to get citizenship, a driver's licence and the skill to drive a car and to get the tools (mostly lenses) to start a photography business.
Another skill I want to get is tattooing as a 2nd aditionalk income as well as keeping my drawing and creative interests alive.
It's so hard to find a balance of work time, photography time, learning and rest, it's a constant struggle to stay above the water. And the Covid19 situation has made everything so much more difficult and complicated where I end up postponing things month after month.